laey

Something is wrong.

Lately, (like 3 months or so) before my period, I feel so down. I read that it is just normal. But I feel it's more than that. I'm having this cycle for 15 years every month and never have I felt this. This month, after I had it, my "feeling down" did not change when in the past few months, it usually does.

I usually have my downs but it was never like this. Usually it lasts for 2 days, max. I'm usually good in dealing with whatever makes me stressed. 

I'd just listen to Beatles and it would make me calm and motivated. Then if it's too much, I'd just let it out - like cry over a sad movie or share it with a friend. Now, I'm starting to lose my appetite. I just eat because my boyfriend is getting worried. And what's weird is if this happened before, I might like it (I'm just a normal girl who wanted to be a model-skinny but just can't resist food). But now, I'm worried why am I losing interest in my first love -- eating. My sleep is still good, but it's not as easy before. I can still manage it but I don't know until when.

I'm assuming that I'm just stressed out. I know it has something to do with my work and my relationship. But if I will not do something about this now, it might get worse -- like depression. I just might try some tips on the net (thanks to http://www.helpguide.org/mental/stress_management_relief_coping.htm) first. I'll start with a "Stress Journal" as the site suggested. I hope I'll be a better person after this.

Update:

Wow, It's been 1 year. We're no longer together. After less than 2 months, I heard he has a girlfriend. And that was a relief. I want him to be happy. He even deleted me in facebook after a few months more. I guess he doesn't want to be associated with me anymore which I think he has all the right to do so.

Do I have regrets? No. I felt guilty at first. But he did something which has released me from that feeling. He wants me dead. Yeah. I thought he was a "real" sweetheart. It's a pretend after all. I may not be a good partner, but I did my best, but maybe was never enough.

Am I still bitter? No. I've found my one great love now. I hope this is it. But that's another story. This story however  had reached its end.

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This day is so sad.  And I'm kinda glad it's about to end. As much as i would not want to admit it, the emo in me is really kicking in.

(1) I'm occupied with the thoughts on how to break the heart of the guy who made me feel like I'm the most beautiful girl in the world.  I'm starting to be indifferent with my relationship.  Maybe give me some more weeks, and I wouldn't care anymore about him dating other girls.  But i'd still care for him as a person who I had shared so many memories with.  I wish he's just like the guy I used to go out with, when it's really easy to let go because in some way they've been jerks.  And this time, i'm the JERK.  But don't have the balls YET to say what I wanted.

(2) Then, Jb told me that she dislikes him because of some attitude issues he has.  Actually, this didn't make me want to ditch him more.  He's a nice guy, he's often misunderstood. And it really breaks my heart to hear from a bestfriend that she's one of the people who find him that way. Yeah, of all people. I don't care if other people would say that about him but why her. I'm not mad at her. But she can't avoid the fact that I was really hurt and it's not helping with what I'm feeling right now. I love the bitch for being honest, though. Just the timing -- ain't right.  I remember one episode of Will and Grace. hehe. Shucks, I miss home.

(3) Yeah. I miss home.

(4) An officemate told me that she's depressed as well. What a relief, I thought. This maybe just a day of depression. hehe. But when she told me her story.  We're having the same dilemma. Only the other way around. Her bf shows little interest in the relationship recently.  And it breaks her heart.  So I told her I'm really sorry. And she asked me what it's like before between me and Jm. and I told her - "well, before, we see each other everyday. whenever I'm so late, he goes home then he'll go back when I'm done just to drive me home." And then I thought, he even do the laundry once. We go to Baclaran every Wednesday. He's such a sweetheart. Really.

But right now.. I can't even say "I love you" back.. I love him still, no doubt. But it's different now. I don't think when I go back, I'll hug him tight like it used to be.

I'm really sorry dear. It's breaking my heart too. But I may hurt you more...  So please set me free..

laey

Kumain kami sa isang fastfood chain dito. At me nakita akong karatula. "Maniac of the Month".  Tapos me picture nung crew.  (Parang yung sa Mcdo lang na "Crew of the Month" wateber nila.)  Sa totoo lang, di ko alam kung tama ba pagkakabasa ko. Haha.

Me: Langya ka, kaya pala enjoy na enjoy ka dito dahil dyan.

Neni: Actually, kaya nga ginawa ko lahat para makapunta ka dito dahil alam kong mageenjoy ka.

Me: Haha, hinanap ko nga kagad yung crew, matesting kung karapat dapat ba yung title niya. lol.

Yeah, sige berde na kung berde utak ko dahil kung titignan mo sa Wordweb, ang maniac e parang disorder at hindi gaya ng iniisip ko. Haha.

Marami na akong embarassing moments dito.  Nung natanggap ko yung notebook ko ang pword eh T*ti. Tawa ako ng tawa.  I didn't change it. Wala lang. For fun. haha. Hanggang sa mawalan na ko ng time. Well, nagkakaron ako ng problema sa pc, so pinaayos ko sa IT namin. One of my opismates are kind enough to lend me his notebook so that i could talk to Neni. We're joking about Hayden Scandals.  When my one of my opismates ask me why am I laughing, so I just laughed.

Opismate: You're talking about porn, aren't you? (ayos din e no, galing makatunog)

Me: Haha. (lol lang nareact ko)

IT Staff: What's you pword? T*ti?

Opismate: OMG. You really have a dirty mind. (Sad to say, she knew what it means. Haha. But I wonder, why?)

Well, i guess, my face turned sooo RED. Buti na lang makapal ako magblush on. So I suppose, medyo di siya halata.  But i was able to explain that that's the old pword they have given me and I didn't manage to change it anymore.

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Nung asa Pinas pa ko, habang binabaybay namin ang lugar pabalik ng Maynila, me karatula akong nabasa sa highway "Oras ng Kababuyan".  . Well, I guess it is a local government program about piggery. But daym, title pa lang. Haha. Sige na, berde na talaga ako magisip.

laey

I don't know what to feel right now.  Finally, the questions I've been dying to ask you were already answered without me asking them.  But why am I so upset now.  I don't know if I'm a good person or just stupid.  It would have been a happy ending already. But what happened? Don't get me wrong. I know you don't want me back.  But why are you telling me all this.  I said, that maybe this is our fate. That we should be contented with what we have now.  Blah blah blah and other shit. ShitFuck, I don't even believe in the concept of fate.

But the thing is, what I really wanted to say was "Bwisit ka, bakit ngayon mo lang sinabi? Ang tagal kitang inantay!"...haha.. pero seriously ito talaga.. If you just only knew, that i want to grow old with you. I want to be the mother of your children. I want to see them growing old, playing outside and other things, . I would even stay at home just to take care of them.  and you of course. I'd sacrifice my life here just to go wherever you want to. That until now, I love no other but you.  I'd rather get old single than not to feel this again.

Those are the things I really wanted to say yesterday night. But I chose not to.  Because you're already married.  I know you're happy right now.  And I was, or maybe i just thought i was, before this.  But I know, I'll be okay. I lied last night, but If I made you feel relieved, I don't feel any regret.

Thanks for the memories.

laey

by Paolo Nutini

Slow down, Lie down,
Remember it's just you and me.
Don't sell out, bow out,
Remember how this used to be.

I just want you closer,
Is that alright?
Baby let's get closer tonight

Grant my last request,
And just let me hold you.
Don't shrug your shoulders,
Lay down beside me.
Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere,
But one last time just go there,
Lay down beside me

Oh, I've found, that I'm bound
To wander down that one way road.
And I realise all about your lies
But I'm no wiser than the fool I was before.

I just want you closer,
Is that alright?
Baby let's get closer tonight

Oh, baby, baby, baby,
Tell me how can, how can this be wrong?

Yeah, lay down beside me.

One last time let's go there,
Lay down beside me